Did you know that in the UK alone last year, over 2500000 stupid ideas for musical projects and concepts, were left unused, unwanted like a bag of mouldy kebabs from last years christmas party, most importantly they weren't produced and you can't buy them. One of the biggest problems facing modern day artists is the restrictions of talent; My voice doesn't sound very good! I dont know how to use a computer??? My left arm is robotic!! Who would release an album recorded in my fish tank?

THE WRONG MUSIC COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT here to be of service, we have a space for every silly little idea that you have.

The Wrong Music Complaints Department, first established in the suburbs of northern Uzbekistan in early 1703 was initially set up to protect artists from the tyranny of evil ruler Telly Savalas. The Poerk Apple, a wealthy merchant of the time had a love for crap music and would positively encourage the people to create new styles of music and art. The freedom allowed the artists to flourish, it was here such genres as hip hop and neo rave first made appearances in the back alley clubs, contrary to most modern thinking.

Savalas, a big fan of Phil Collins, obviously had serious issues with this type of radical attitude. If caught performing anything that wasn't 'in the kings favor', the price to pay was severe; vocal castration, chicken shock, lobal dismemberment, eyelid reincarnation and tongue reconfiguration, practices exercised by the high priestess, Sharon. On one occasion, a 15 year old boy was caught humming MC Hammer in the high street, and, after being brutally beaten, was hung, by his testacles, right out the front of Woolworths.

As more and more people turned to the Poerk Apple for help and guidance, so to did Savalas' rage built and eventually on the morning of the 30^th February 1704, an Army of over 15 men attacked Chez Apple. With everyone still in bed, the fight wasn't much, and all 3 people in the home were captured, including The Poerk Apple. Tried under Mongal Law by 14 members of The Telly Savalas League Against The Poerk Apple, he didn't have much chance, three life sentences to be carried out in the biggest prison they got.

That was all that was heard from the poerk apple unitl sometime in 2004, 300 years after he was first imprisoned, and that wasn't the only thing strange, it was where he turned up, Brighton.

Being the shrewd business man that he was, he had invested wisely in his time in prison, a portfolio including inflatable tin openers and '100 best of' TV shows had left him comfortably rich. Unaccustomed to the modern world, Poerk found it difficult to adapt, no one to love him, no one who could understand him, a solitary sole without a family, a home, or even a haircut.